Life and Laughter
The Lights Are On. . .
Anyone who knows me understands I absolutely loathe mayonnaise. It's disgusting and I don't want it on my burgers, sandwiches, salads or Jell-O. However, people who don't know me INSIST on drowning my food in this revolting substance—even when I specifically request otherwise. Food servers across the state have taken it upon themselves to override my "no mayo" request at every opportunity. It's a conspiracy.
Fast food employees also add cheese to my hamburgers, sour cream to my chili and Ranch dressing to my burritos. Even when I say, "Please stop doing that." I always ask if there is a noxious substance hidden in my food, and then I ask that it be removed. Quickly.
In today's ADD society, the phrase "The customer is always right" has been replaced by "The customer is interrupting my iPod playlist." I think along with checking for references and skills, employers should test new employees for brainwaves and a pulse.
Drive-thru employees at fast food places are notoriously bad at listening skills. My daughter and I go for half-price slushies at a local slushery and my conversation with the employee usually goes like this:
Drive thru employee: Hello, ma'am. Would you like to try our new deluxe burger with extra-mayo, bacon, Swedish fish and turnips?
Me: No. I would like two medium strawberry-lime slushies.
Employee: And what size would you like those Dr. Pepper's?
Me: No. I want slushies. Medium.
Employee: And what flavor would you like?
Me: Strawberry-lime.
Employee: And would you like to upgrade to the gallon-sized shake?
Me: No shakes. Two medium slushies.
This conversation continues until I drive through the window, throttle the employee and make my own slushies.
But don't think the lack of attention is only found in fast food locales. Recently, I needed to purchase a birthday present and went into a retail store looking for help. There wasn't a sales person in sight. I finally found someone with keys around their neck (the universal sign for store employee) but she wasn't an employee. Just someone who loses her keys easily. I wandered aimlessly for a while before heading out of the store. Take THAT, store! You didn't get my $15. Ha.
At another store I DID find an employee on the premises but she was about as enthused as a drugged sloth. When I asked if she could help me find a particular item, you'd have thought I'd asked her to give me her ovaries. After her eyes stopped rolling, she gave me explicit instructions about where to find what I was looking for but I played stupid until she got off her butt and actually did her job.
And trying to RETURN an item has become a logistical nightmare. Most places require the item to be returned in its original container (even if that container was a plastic, hermetically sealed case molded around the object that I needed a machete to remove). They also want the original receipt and a list of reasons why the item must be returned. When they asked for two forms of I.D. and a urinalysis, I decided it just wasn't worth it.
Call me crazy, but excellent customer service is the ability to meet or exceed my expectations as a consumer. Lately, I've been seriously underwhelmed. You'd think in today's business environment, employers would be bending over backwards to keep customers happy—and keep them coming back.
So all you retail and fast food employees, be warned. I've reached the limit of my patience. Mess up my order, act disinterested or request a blood sample for a return and I WILL go ballistic. If I want to be ignored, I'll hang with my teenager. If I want to be talked down to, I'll hang with my banker. And if I want extra mayo, trust me, I'll let you know.
